Why is my child so clingy?

A clingy child is a dependent child – and that is OK!

During the first lockdown everything changed. Children could not see their friends, family, neighbours – so many of the people they are attached to. They stopped going to familiar places such as nursery, taking siblings to school, the library or the park. They weren’t allowed to hug the people they have always hugged. And most importantly, children could hear, see and feel anxiety all round them - on the television, in overheard conversations. Anxious adults can spread anxiety like wildfire, especially to those children who pick up feelings more easily.  

All this has impacted our children’s feelings of security, especially as the pandemic continues to rage around us, heightening the anxiety of parents all round the world.

When a child feels insecure and anxious, they will go to someone they trust and cling on for dear life! Developmentally, this sort of behaviour is healthy and sound because the child trusts the favourite person. But of course, a clingy child is feeling insecure, and so what can we do to support them in this?  

Emotional contagion

Our feelings are highly contagious - as contagious as catching as a cold! Some of us are more prone to catching feelings than others and it is important to work out HOW susceptible your child is to emotional contagion.

We need to be particularly sensitive to those children who are more susceptible to emotional contagion.

Try our Emotions Are Contagious Quiz to find out how susceptible your child is to emotional contagion.

How do we best support children highly susceptible to emotional contagion?

Children who display clinginess are most likely more susceptible. We need to create positive and secure emotional environments to support them.

How do we do this?

1)   We capture our thoughts

This is easy to say but hard to do. Our thought life will affect our children’s thought life.

We cannot calm our children if we don’t feel calm!

Remember these points:

•       Our healthy thinking leads to healthy choices.

•       Toxic and fearful thinking leads to toxic choices.

•       75% of mental health illness is related to our thought life.  

What helps us capture our thoughts?

•       Making a conscious choice to replace the negative thought with a positive one.

•       Encouraging ourselves to get rid of more entrenched negative thoughts through meditation, prayer, or talking with a trusted person.

2)   We capture our words

Our words can deeply impact our children, both positively and negatively. We must not underestimate the power of our words!

•       Choose words carefully.  Negative words release stress hormones and we can’t put them back in our mouths once they have been released!

•       Don’t avoid the subject but take a positive approach.

e.g. Instead of saying, ‘Don’t touch that, you’ll get sick!’

Say, ‘Don’t touch that, let’s keep our hands super clean!’

‍3)   We create predictability

Children need predictability. They like to know what will be happening next because it helps them feel more secure, e.g. I always go with my brother to school. I always go to the park after dropping off my sister at school.

With this in mind, try the following to create predictability:

•       Create new routines and talk about them – After lunch we sit down and read a book together. Before bedtime we play a game. After breakfast we go for a walk. On Mondays we make a cake.

•       Have choices available for your child by setting up different areas in the house that your child can choose to go to during the day:   book corner | draping a sheet and making a den with some favourite books | Construction or building area with a cardboard box with sellotape, blocks/Duplo for a younger child | Small table and chairs to colour/cut and paste | Happy/quiet places to go to for a quiet moment

Clingy children are seeking security. By putting these simple steps in place, you can be assured that you are building that security today.

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