The Power of Play

Play is not frivolous. It is not a luxury. It is not something to fit in after completing all the normal stuff. Play is the important stuff. Play is a need, a drive, a brain-building must-do.’[1]

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Play is hard work indeed! From the moment a baby discovers her hands, or sees beyond her mother’s face, the work (play!) truly begins. You see, between 100 and 200 weeks after your baby is born, they will start going to preschool. In the meantime, they will need to learn to eat, walk, talk, think, listen, understand and interact. That is a lot of learning! At the same time your child is establishing tens of millions of brain connections in the process of learning.

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If a child continued to learn at this rate it would literally ‘blow their mind’. Fortunately, the brain drops all unused connections, and the used ones are established for life. This so-called ‘use it or lose it’ process continues as the child plays. Play strengthens all the relevant connections.

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Every action, thought or word uttered by your child in these first three years will constitute as some sort of play. They can’t help themselves. Have you noticed how children make a game out of virtually everything? When they throw the spoon over the side of the highchair, or slot your credit card into the DVD player? This innate desire to learn is so powerful that it drives their behaviour each and every moment of their lives.

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All play is vital to your child in these early years. Children need to play alone and play with other children. They need to take part in pretend play and constructive play; they need to go outside to play on their bike or make a den.

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However, recent research has recognised that when parents play with their children something fundamental happens. This same research proves ‘beyond irrefutably’ that all of the ‘social’ times we have with our parents before the age of three will not be remembered but will effectively ‘rule’ the way we relate to other people for the rest of our lives.[2]

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Just think! The times we play with our child will literally change the chemistry of their brain.

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Playing with our child establishes the essential connections needed for our child’s future social and emotional skills.

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‘We are not the survival of the fittest, we are the survival of the nurtured.’[3]

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Children crave time with us. Having a one to one time with a parent ticks all the boxes for a child. They will always enjoy playing with a sibling or a friend, but there is something profoundly significant about playing with our parent.

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Vitally, the relationship between parent and child builds and strengthens. As a result of this connection, the child feels important and special. Oxytocin levels (the happiness hormone) in both adult and child increase as they play together.

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This all sounds valuable and beneficial, but what about the reality? What if you find playing with your child boring, or if it always seems to end in tears? What if we are just too tired? Playing with tiny Lego men can be extremely dull. And there doesn’t seem to be a lot of point in ‘vroom vrooming’ a car around the carpet at 5.00 in the morning. Why pretend to sip tea out of a plastic cup, hunkered down in the corner of the kitchen?

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There are no secret formulas here, no magic words or recipes. But it is very simple. All your child needs is your time. Let’s take pretend play, for instance. Pretend play ticks all the boxes. Your child gets to play with you. They can express what they are feeling and wanting. They can take charge. They can also learn to negotiate. This simple learning process has the power to fill up their ‘emotional toolbox’ with all the essential social and emotional skills needed in life; through such play your child will in time become more attentive to your needs and will stop trying to dominate. None of this will happen overnight. A child’s self-regulation skills take a couple of decades to mature, so don’t expect any quick fix miracles!

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I would suggest that you give all of your attention to your child for fifteen minutes or half an hour at a time. Listen hard, follow your child’s play, and enter their ‘zone’. You will discover that nothing particularly exciting or profound will happen; you won’t ‘achieve’ anything much. Your attention may wander as you remember the washing is getting wet out on the line, or the dog is whining at the door. Ignore everything. Eyeball your child, listen with the concentration you’d use in a board meeting, and enter into an interactive back and forth conversation, even if it is repetitive and a little dreary. Because the miracle is happening inside your child’s brain. Connections are being made, needs are being met, and happiness is being grown. Your child’s future longevity and success are in the making.

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Your child will not necessarily appreciate your spotless kitchen counters. He won't reminisce about the fancy fish cakes you made for his tea, or the Oshkosh top he wore on his third birthday. But he WILL appreciate the lasting legacy of your shared play, a lifelong legacy of self-esteem, confidence, happiness and success.

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What a small price to pay for the gift of a lifetime.

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[1] Johnson JA, Dinger D 2012 Let Them Play: An Early Learning (Un)Curriculum

[2] Graham L, MFT Resources for Recovering Resilience

[3] Cozolino L 2006 The Neuroscience of Human Relationships: Attachment and the Developing Social Brain